I have worked in child care for many years. In recent times, I have noticed an increase in the number of children responding to a request from an adult with outright defiance. Parents and child care workers have asked me on numerous occasions how to handle this outright defiant behavior.

There are many steps you can take to manage defiance in children and get it under control.

 The most important step is to remain calm. If you show the child that you are angry or upset it will make things worse. Remaining calm is key to managing a defiant child. Next take a look at when the child acts defiantly. Are they acting out because they are tired or feeling ill? Then follow these steps:

If you are a caregiver:

1. Give the child a “time out”. Walk them to a quiet spot in the room where they will be separate from the other children, but still under your observation. Have them sit quietly for a period of about 5 minutes and then go and talk to them in a quiet and gentle manner. Ask them if they know why they are sitting in “time out”. Nine times out of ten they will know. Ask them an open ended question for example “How could we sort this out?” “What should we do in future?”  Let them share their thoughts.

 Let them know that you are not happy with their behavior. (It is important that the child realizes it is their behavior you are unhappy with and not them.)

 2. Consider teaching a class lesson on behavior with role playing. Give different scenarios to the children and have them act out appropriate ways to respond. You can also have them act out the wrong way to respond to show a contrast. .

3 . If you are reading a story where a character responds in a defiant manner, have the children discuss the character’s behavior and what is right and wrong about it.

If you are a parent:

1. Talk to your child and ask them to share why they behaved in a defiant manner. Tell them how it made you feel and ask them how they felt. Most children truly want to please and open discussions encourage positive behavior.

 2. Let the child know that toys, computer games, TV etc. are a privilege. In order to have fun with these, the child must demonstrate good behavior. If the child acts defiantly then these fun activities are not available to them for a certain time period.

 3. Reward positive behavior at all times. You can use a sticker chart. When they earn 5 stickers, they receive a treat. Reinforce positive behavior with treats such as extra computer time, special outings and puzzles. It is important not to reinforce positive behavior with toys, sweets and junk food.

A child with defiant, disrespectful behavior can turn your home into a war zone where there is no peace. Recently, I came across two excellent resources that I highly recommend to anyone who wants to resolve this issue. The first one is focused on the younger child. It is called, Talking to Toddlers.

The second book, The Total Transformation® focuses on the older child, but can be used with a younger child as well. I love The Total Transformation® because results are immediate. You will see results as soon as you start implementing the program. On day one, the book teaches you a whole new way to get your child to cooperate, without having to raise your voice. As you work through the book you will learn how to avoid pointless, never-ending arguments with your child. There will be no more power struggles with your child. No more negotiating and pleading to get your child to respond to simple requests. No more feeling powerless and wrung out because nothing you say to your child gets through. Now, when you talk, your child will listen and respond appropriately. The Total Transformation® walks you step by step to regain control of your home. You will get the respect you deserve. Click here to read the excellent reviews and learn more about The Total Transformation®.

~ Helen Thompson
www.ChildLearningSupport.com

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